One of the most beloved and oft-quoted moments in the beloved and oft-quoted film Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory is the sequence in which the unbalanced candymaker displays his newest invention: lickable wallpaper. As the children and their guardians go to town on the wallpaper, Wonka declares: “Lick an orange. It tastes like an orange. The strawberries taste like strawberries! The snozzberries taste like snozzberries!”
We laugh, because “snozzberries” is obviously a fanciful, fictional word, and nobody knows what they really were. Except that Roald Dahl, the book’s author, knew exactly what snozzberries were: They’re dicks. Snozzberries are dicks. Willy Wonka made those kids lick dick-flavored wallpaper.
In 1979, Dahl decided to revisit snozzberries in his adult novel My Uncle Oswald. The equally witty and disgusting story revolves around Oswald Hendryks Cornelius, the titular uncle and “greatest fornicator of all time.” Along with his sexy accomplice Yasmin Howcomely, he devises a complicated get-rich-quick scheme that involves Howcomely seducing Europe’s most famous men and then selling used condoms full of their spent semen to women wishing to birth famous progeny. Please take some time to remind yourself that this book was written by one of the world’s most beloved children’s authors.
The term “snozzberry” comes up when Yasmin Howcomely recounts her experience with George Bernard Shaw:
“How did you manage to roll the old rubbery thing on him?”
“There’s only one way when they get violent,” Yasmin said. “I grabbed hold of his snozzberry and hung onto it like grim death and gave it a twist or two to make him hold still.”
“I’ll bet it is.”
“You can lead them around anywhere you want like that.”
“It’s like putting a twitch on a horse.”
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was written in 1964, 15 years before My Uncle Oswald revealed that the wallpaper was made to taste like the head of a penis. In the strictest sense of the term, we’re pretty sure this makes Willy Wonka a pedophile. And honestly, we’re not that surprised.
You have to stop. Just stop. It’s getting to be too much. See, I’m just a girl who sits in a cubicle all day. I have to live in a real world. Not the kind of “real world” with MTV cameras and token drama queens. I live in the kind of “real world” where I have to deal with men who can’t afford to buy me coffee and who can’t emotionally commit. The longer you continue to be so Ryan Gosling, the harder it’s going to be for me to want to live in that world.
For my own sanity and for the sanity of women like me everywhere, I made a list of ways in which you can stop being so Ryan Gosling.
1) Stop being so attractive.
Just look at you.
This montage is from a blog called “ryanf***inggosling.tumblr.com”. The blog is perfection, except for the fact that it should be called “mef***ingryangosling.tumblr.com”.
You’re like Derek Zoolander, dude. You know, you’re really, really, ridiculously good-looking. You’re one of the few men I can think of who can do anything to his hair and I still would find you attractive. Also, you’re not too pretty. You’re gorgeous, but you still look like a man. If you were alive in Ancient Greece, sculptors would use your form as a model for true masculine beauty. (And Aristotle would add “Being Ryan Gosling” to the list of virtues a man should have.) Why is this a problem? Because instead of getting my work done, I’ve been spending my entire day planning our wedding. I’ve looked into how much renting my dream venue, the Intrepid Sea, Air and Space Museum, would be. This is a problem for two reasons. One, I can’t afford it. Two, I’m supposed to be doing expense reports. I realize you can’t control how you look, but if you lived your life with a bag over your head, I’d never have to worry about being fired.
2) Stop adoring women so much.
Every time you are with a woman you have this way of looking at her as though she is the most important thing in the universe.
This one person this one time told me I look like Emma Stone, so this photo is torture.
I think it’s because you might actually appreciate women. You only have nice things to say about ex-girlfriends Sandra Bullock and Rachel McAdams. You still reportedly hang out with your mom and sister. You also say THE BEST THINGS EVER about your female co-stars. When you were doing press for Crazy, Stupid, Love, you said to a reporter, “Show me someone that wouldn’t give it all up for Emma Stone, and I’ll show you a liar.” About Michelle Williams, you said, ”She’s like Montana… If you want to get somewhere, you gotta, you gotta drive there. You gotta take the time to get there.” When I first read that, I had no clue what it meant. After three weeks meditating on it during my morning subway commute, I figured it out. It means you are better than any man alive. You’re also probably better than any man who is currently dead (not because you’re still alive and they are not, but because even when they were alive they were not as good at being a man as you are).
3) Stop being so adorable with children.
So, you’re at a premiere for a movie. Are you holding a cigarette in your hand? No. You’re holding a child.
I must go back in time and become a child only so I can be held like this.
Did you hear that loud boom in the far off distance? Those were my ovaries exploding. That’s it. They’re done. I will never be able to give birth to children of my own because I have seen what you look like when you hold a little girl in your arms. But why would I want to give birth to children of my own when I know they won’t be yours? Do you know how many days of my life I’ve spent crying into my cardigan sleeves because I have to live with the knowledge that I will never give birth to your children? Nine. Technically, I’ve spent fourteen days crying, but the other five happened in the summertime so I wasn’t wearing a cardigan.
4) Stop being a great actor.
You started your career as a Mouseketeer alongside Justin, Britney and Christina. However, instead of being in NSYNC, you chose to be in Half Nelson.
As Jon Lovitz would say, “ACTING!”
Dude, you’re like a crazy awesome character actor. You don’t take on film roles because of the fame you might get or the franchise potential. You do movies because you love exploring emotions and telling great stories. This means that even though I want to just walk away and not care about your career, I can’t. The movies you make will always be interesting. I saw Drive last weekend and I was blown away. I was impressed with how it was trying to marry B-movie action with art house cinematography. I was impressed with the soundtrack. I was impressed with how much I wanted climb your character’s body like a tree and wrap myself around you forever. That last part was less a product of your acting skills and more a result of you being too beautiful. Also, I have never before wanted to add to a dating website profile, “Must be willing to carry my groceries and stomp the heads in of people who are trying to kill me”. But because of Drive, I might have to.
5) Stop being a real hero.
You are a really nice, stand up kind of guy. Why? WHY?
Ryan saves his dog from a “no dogs on escalator” sign and destroys my chances at sanity.
Ryan saves his dog from an evil “no dogs on the escalator” sign and kills my chances of sanity.
After I saw (and blogged about) the video of you breaking up a fight on the streets of New York, I found myself walking alone at night in dangerous neighborhoods. See, I was looking for a fight. I wanted desperately to get involved in an altercation to see if you would arrive out of nowhere to break up my fight. Because that is my fantasy. Well, that’s not my only fantasy. It is one of many, many fantasies that you have inspired. But basically, I can’t live my life hoping to get into trouble because you’ve led me to believe that you *might* rescue me. It’s dangerous because you won’t. I know this because I’m pretty sure you’re in LA right now shooting a movie. I know you’re probably in LA shooting a movie because you have officially caused me to lose my mind and become a cyber stalker.
In conclusion, just stop it. Just stop being so Ryan Gosling. I’m thankful you exist. Really, I am. But I need my sanity back. I have to be able to face the world with the knowledge that The Notebook is just a really good movie and not an outline for how all my relationships should be.
Ryan Gosling, you are a life ruiner.
p.s. NEVER CHANGE
I didn’t know I loved Ryan gosling til I read this.
“If there’s one thing I wish I’d learned at 18, it’s that it’s okay if a crazy person hates you. Everyone else will understand in time. Meanwhile, let them expend that energy. Go work on your novel or whatever.”—